Monday, 25 July 2011

In water, everything is stupid.

Just like humans (the Andean Bear's closest relatives), when you submerge an Andean Bear in water for too long, it gets all pruney and gross and reduces in size by 300%. Just like humans. The Andean Bear is the last remaining short-faced bear in all of North America. Probably South America, too. Actually, let's just say it's the last one all over. Except for maybe really deep down in the ocean. I don't even know what kind of shit is down there. Being the last of the short-faced bears, it was heart breaking to see another one fall victim to the harsh elements we face in the city during summer. Sweltering asphalt, humidity reaching unbearable highs, extremely strong winds, puddles, clouds. Terrifying. You'd think they would just migrate like all the other bears to the North Pole for the summer. Scientists have proven these to be the dumbest bears in the whole world. This one, for example, tried to retrieve a pine cone from a puddle no more than 1/2" deep and drowned. Not only are Andean Bears extremely allergic to pine cones, but who the fuck drowns in a puddle that's half an inch deep? Idiot. I found this little guy in the gutter on my street, just outside of the North York Forest. I'm currently stuffing it's head with hay and covering it's tongue in super-glue so I can throw him up on a plaque on my wall. It's illegal to have one of these, seeing as how they're endangered, but I just can't pass up this beautiful specimen. SCIENCE! I mean, NATURE!

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